your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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