conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
