hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
