I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
