The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sober January is a disaster.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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