yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
