My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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