The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
