Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize