Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
