I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
