I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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