Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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