I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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