Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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