well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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