i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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