At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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