I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Are my feet made of real feet?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
