Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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