his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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