He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
