I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
