it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
