I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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