hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
