I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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