They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will be naked everywhere
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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