She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
