I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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