My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
