Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
