Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
