The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
