I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
