Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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