I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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