I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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