We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
