when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
