Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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