Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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