saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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