you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
