So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
