glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
