"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
