Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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