you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
