I cannot find my penis.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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