Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
