the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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