if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
