I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
