I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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