he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
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