We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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